I'm about to admit something awful - today I sat around all day and watched television. From the time I woke up (which was at 1, mind you) to the current hour, I've been sitting in front of the television. Worse than that, having nothing to do has left me to my own thoughts. My mind is often a tumultuous place. When I have too much time to think and dwell, it often results in me focusing on something I probably shouldn't be. Today my impatience got the best of me. Sometimes I can't stand the fact that people are married, and I'm not one of them! I know that sounds so silly, but being with the person you want to marry makes it that much harder to see others enjoying married life.

However, I know that God's path for my life is headed down that direction but isn't there yet. With that knowledge, I take peace in knowing that this is where God wants me to be right now. And when I really think about, I am totally and completely not ready for marriage right now. I am in love with Brad and enjoy all of my time with him, but financially and emotionally, I know that I am not mature enough for that yet. My prayer now is that God would help me to see the privileges of an unmarried life and to take full pleasure in those. Sometimes when I see happy newlyweds, I wish I were someone's wife, too, but when it comes down to it, that woman is a SEPARATE person from me. What works for her may not work for me, and their predestined path is unique, as is mine.

Sorry for the rambling. "Idle hands are the devil's playground" ... and in my case, an idle and bored mind. I am praying, and I know my Father will hear that prayer.

Chris & Melissa had their baby today!!!! Well, technically yesterday. December 27 at 3:43(?)pm, Amelia Noelle Hill entered the world. Strange, I've always had a strange fixation on the name Amelia. Too late now! :) I am so happy for them; she is absolutely gorgeous!! She has thick and curly black hair, blue eyes, and is remarkably responsive for a newborn! I was able to go back with the immediate family and be one of the first to hold her. It was amazing. God is so beautiful! His family plan reminds me there is still good in the world, and Chris and Melissa - and Amelia - serve as a wonderful example of that good.

Well Christmas for this year is over, and I am sighing of relief. On a college budget, it's hard to buy for all the people I want to buy for, and I don't like to give minimally. I like for every gift to be personal and unique. This either requires a lot of time to create something original or a good amount of money to find something unique (or a combination of both). I don't ever want to forget what this time of year is about. One of my favorite biblical passages is Mary's prayer. Whenever I meet someone meek and unassuming, I think of Mary. Multiple times in the Bible when trying times come to Mary, it says that she "pondered this all in her heart." I absolutely love that. I sometimes talk without a filter, and this can get you into trouble quick. But Mary, ah Mary, she chose to dwell on the confusing things and go to the Lord first.

Officially done with my first semester of college! And I finished with all A's! I know that's not as big of deal in college as it was in high school; nevertheless, I am very satisfied with that! However, I'm going to have to separate myself from the idea that an A is the only acceptable grade for myself. I define myself too much by my school grades and not enough by the spirit of God within me and my God-given abilities and talents. There is some stuff I just have to let go. I won't be happy if I define myself by some sort of letter grade or number. That is not the life God intended me for!

Tonight I'm in Chattanooga staying with my cousin for a couple of days. Today was her day - her graduation from UTC! I am mucho proud! Okay, not to make it all about me, but being there made me think that my college graduation is not that far off. High school graduation was one thing, because after that it's just 4 more years of school (in a different place with new people ... :) ). Now, though, there's no more classes, tests, walking to school in the rain. It's actually real life. There is so much about "the real world" that I crave ... but the thought of that being my life scares me. I don't know a thing about insurance, cooking ... all that "grown-up" stuff that personifies a productive member of society, good wife, etc. I think about stuff too much, no? I know that God's timing is perfect, and one way that I do know this is through college! This has been a perfect time for me to adjust to living on my own and having a certain amount of responsibilities without being thrust into the real world all at once. Gradual change is best for me, I believe.
And now, I'm gonna go play Guitar Hero. :)

By the way, Brad and his brother Chris are involved in planting a new church in Oak Ridge called The Ridge Church. They meet every Sunday at 6. If you are like me and can't always make it out there, check out http://www.mogulus.com/theridgechurch for a live feed of the message every Sunday at 6. Chris does a chat forum for anyone online, which is fun and is a good way to get involved in the respective subject. I think this is a wonderful place that God is blessing. Please check it out!

I don't write on here nearly enough. My head is too full of ideas to let them bounce around in my brain, so I need some sort of outlet for them. I have picked up journaling again, as a way of visualizing my thoughts and to communicate with God with more focus.
Tomorrow I head home & I absolutely cannot wait. I get to see my man and family on the same day - ah, that is completely wonderful right there. Mary left today so I am all alone in the room tonight - never thought I'd get lonely in a bedroom to myself!
I finished my Christmas shopping on Saturday which served as a big relief because I am totally and completely DONE. I must say, on a college budget that is hard to accomplish. But for my little ball-of-stress self, 'twas necessary.
Old Testament exam at 10:30 tomorrow, and then I am FREE FREE FREE. I feel that I've studied to my best ability and to what I think will be on the exam. After that, it's up to Dr. Ballard to give me my A. :)
I am going to Chattanooga this weekend for family Christmas celebrations and for Ashley's graduation on Sunday. After that, my family is coming home, but I'm staying with Ash until Tuesday. It will be wonderful to catch up with her in her niche.
All for now - I need beauty & mind sleep!

h

Desire

 I recently started Desire (formerly The Journey of Desire) by John Eldredge, and I must say - what a mightily powerful book. His words captivate me with the same passion as Lewis, a nearly forgotten way of writing.

I was especially intrigued by the way desire is talked about in the book. Listen to this:
"We are desire. It is the essence of the human soul, the secret of our existence."

Desire is who we are. I've never seen myself in that light. When I think of the word "desire" I think of a lust which must be snuffed out. But the real soul of the word is not something sinful. We have twisted it into what we want it to be, for do not all sinful desires come from something that is beautiful at its core? (lust comes from sex, coveting from an appreciation of beauty, etc. - I'm taking this from Lewis) But that's not what we've been created for. If our essence is desire, then it must be God's as well. A desire that is so strong we cannot even fathom it - the desire for us to love Him with even an inkling of the ocean of love He has given us.

Later in the book, he goes on to describe the kind of deep, desire-filled connection between a man and wife. For a long time, I've never understood "God is the groom and we, through Jesus, are His bride." While I have not yet experienced the love felt only in marriage, I have started to see more clearly why this "Bridegroom stuff" is sprinkled so frequently throughout the Old and New Testament. The earthly love experienced between a man and a woman is, for some, the highest degree of euphoria this life (in itself) has to offer us. If that is merely earthly, and God compares that kind of ecstatic relationship to His future marriage to us, how much more wonderful it will be when The Bride is finally consummated to The Bridegroom! Peter Kreeft says, "The spiritual intercourse with God is the ecstasy hinted at in all earthly intercourse, physical or spiritual. It is the ultimate reason why passion is so strong, so different from other passions, so heavy with suggestions of profound meanings that just elude our grasp." Wow.

Sometimes the language of the Bible blows me away. In some ways, it's more controversial than any Dan Brown book you pick up. :) Who else but our God would choose to reveal Himself in such a raw, powerful way? Who else but our God can be found even in the most intimate of human relationships? For me, evidence of God is everywhere. His name whispers from the simplest to the most complex of human interactions and emotions. Instead of "waiting" for God to speak, I want to have ears to hear and eyes to see.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
-Mere Christianity

1 down, 3 to go ...

Last night's performance of "The Man Who Came to Dinner" went very smoothly. My family & Brad were there, which was so so wonderful. I really enjoy the people I get to work with in the theatre department; hopefully there is a future for me there. We have 2 more night performances and then 1 on Sunday afternoon. After that, auditions for "The Miracle Worker"! 

h

Fewer & Fewer Posts ...

... as the days go on. Life is getting crazier & busier by the day. But I still love it. I feel so happy about where I am in my life right now. I feel like God has given me the ability the balance my life here at CN as well as my life back home. I never go a really long time without seeing family or friends from home, but I don't ever feel out of the loop back here at CN. That's a good feeling.

h

Post-Fall Break

Just got back a couple hours ago from being home since Friday. It was absolutely amazing. I didn't do much of anything, haha, just hung out with my family & Bradley and slept ... a lot. That was nice! I also spent the night at my mamaw & papaw's house on Friday night. I used to do that every Friday night, and it was so nice being back there.

Ah, I never realized how useful a Fall Break is. Don't think I can live without it now. :)

h

FALL BREAK is so close ....

I only have one thing standing between me and Fall Break - my H&C test tomorrow at 11. At 12 noon tomorrow I will be the happiest girl on the planet. After that it's 5 days at home. Ah, I am SO excited.

Tonight was fun! Jody, Cara, Maggie, Alex, and I studied and actually made it fun! I feel good about the test tomorrow, just a little more studying for tonight.

h

Been a While, eh?

Well, life's been crazy running back and forth between Seymour and CN. I spent this past weekend in Seymour, this coming weekend is Fall Break (FINALLY), and the following weekend I'll be going home for some Halloween festivities. 

Life's been good here, just writing papers and studying a lot. I do try to make time for myself every day though, namely in my quiet time and in something fun - TV, book, etc. I cannot BELIEVE I'm already halfway through my first semester of college. I remember thinking that as a freshman in high school, and now, here I am. God's blessed me so much.

h

Friday!

Got my first test back in H&C, and, praise be to God, I got a 96.5! I was so surprised (given my lower score on the H&C paper) and so very very happy. Also, I turned in my Art project that has been exhausting the life out of me lately; thank goodness that's over. Tonight I am going out with Megan and her Floridian family, and then later tonight I think I'll watch a movie with the ladies. Gosh, I've been so blessed with friends here, and I don't thank God enough for it.

h

Finally Done!

I FINALLY finished that darn art project. It was basically 3 paintings for 1 project. All in all I spent EIGHTEEN hours working on it over the past 3 days. I am EXHAUSTED. But, thank goodness, it's over.

Now I am watching the VP debate, and it's pretty interesting. I like Sarah Palin and am voting for McCain - darn, Palin's intimidating!

Thank goodness tomorrow's Friday, and on Saturday, it's Family Day which I am very much looking forward to!!

h

Cincinnati

Got back on Saturday from the Cincinnati trip, and it was wonderful. I had a great great time! We went to the Cincinnati Art Museum (I saw a Picasso and a Rembrandt ... pretty amazing). After that we went to see the play "Amadeus" ... which was great. It wasn't at all what I expected it to be, to say the least ... :) The producers were very loose with their PG rating. 

The next day we went to the Freedom Museum about slavery in America and worldwide, which was really interesting, but I was just so tired from the night before! Then we headed on home, and it felt so good to be back here. We were all just dead-tired. 

All for now,

h

Feeling good, feeling fine

Sitting out here under my "study tree" on the south side of Henderson. I am just enjoying life today. It's a beautiful day and why not sit outside and work on your Mac?? I am loving it! We leave tomorrow morning for Cincinnati on the Honors Trip - I am really looking forward to it. It will be nice to spend some time with fellow honor students and get to know them a little more.

Just got back from a meeting with Dr. Austin about my H&C paper, and he really reassured me about how it's coming along. His attitude toward the actual paper made me realize I was taking it a little too seriously, but that's a good thing - I'm glad he helped me to realize that. Just gonna polish it up tonight, and then not worry about it any more!! It's going to be a great time.

h

1 Month in ...

Well, I've been living here one month today, & I am absolutely loving it! I finally feel like I am a part of this college and not just a wanderer anymore. I auditioned for the play "The Man Who Came to Dinner" last night and got a callback today! We meet again tonight at 9; I'm so excited!! I am done with my rough draft of my H&C paper, and I'm feeling okay about it - still needs work, though. 

Life is good & God is great.

h

Change of Heart!

Decided to change my topic for the H&C paper to something I'm more acquainted with - argumentative and exploratory writing in general. I'm going to go off of "Socrates and his Pursuit of Truth, Goodness, and Justice." We'll see where that takes me. That stresses me out a little bit less even though it's due in a week ... uh, yeah. It will be okay. Now that it's a topic I actually enjoy, I think the writing will flow easier.

h

A Bit Stressed ...

Starting my first paper of college, and it's for my Humanity & the Cosmos course. I'm getting stressed because I feel in over my head (it is a philosophy class, though, and I think any topic I could have picked would make me feel this way). I am just trying to handle everything at once, and some days I get distracted and don't finish what I need to for that day. Also, my quiet time has just downright sucked lately, because I haven't been putting forth hardly any effort into it. I think that too has factored into this empty feeling I've been having the past few days. I haven't gone to God like I should, and in turn, my life reflects this kind of "starvation." BUT ... I also know that it is possible to get things back on track, and the message @ BASIC tonight really reminded me of that - that sometimes you just have to take a quiet moment for you & God to be alone together. 

h 

Time Well-Spent

Yesterday I was able to spend the whole day with Bradley. He came up here and ate with me in the CAF, hung out in our dorm room (door propped open of course!), and then we went to Ruesday's (Ruby Tuesday's) & then to the dam - that was the best part of the day. We just went down to the waterfront, skipped rocks, and just talked in solitude. It was amazing. We watched the sun go down (well, kind of - we watched the reflection on the water - the trees covered it up). Once it was dark, we weren't ready to say goodbye yet, so we went to Walmart and Sonic. Talk about a high-class Jefferson City date! :) I had an amazing, relaxing time. Love him.

h

Love

Last night my sister, dad, mamaw & papaw came up to Jeff City to have supper with me and see the room. It was great - except that we went to Applebee's :( ... which I suggested ... ? Oh well, it was still great! They liked seeing the room, especially now that it actually looks lived in and homey. Brad is coming over in about an hour and a half, which is going to be great to see him!

h

I <3 Anna!

Today I met Anna at the Chop House at the Bass Pro place thingy (official name). It was absolutely amazing! We were talking about it and admittedly sounded like lovers, but I had missed seeing her and her voice and spending time together so much! After lunch we went to Marble Slab and just sat out in the shade, had ice cream, and talked. It was wonderful! I feel so fortunate because God has blessed me in so many ways - in the ability to maintain the meaningful friendships from high school and move on from the draining ones, to meet new people and form tight bonds with them, to attend school and actually enjoy it, and of course to keep close with all my family. I feel too blessed; I don't understand why God would shower me with gifts the way He does - I don't deserve it! Today was wonderful and only served as a reminder to me that a high school friendship can become more than just that ... and that it can actually last if it's something worth working at.

h

Feeling Better!

Just got back from BASIC - the BCM worship service, and I really really enjoyed it! It was nice being out & about, meeting some new people and hanging out with the cool people I've met so far. There are even some mission trip opportunities coming up (very cheap, I might add) that I am interested in. Possibly more to come on that!

Every time I begin to doubt something, God reveals Himself in one way or another. The only thing is, it's up to me whether I choose to see Him or not. Tonight was great; praise to God!

h

Still Getting Used to It

Sometimes I can be kind of a loner. Sometimes I am content to just sit in my dorm room by myself watching TV or reading ... Is that so wrong? I know I want to get involved in some kind of ministry here in order to build some strong relationships, but that is a bit of daunting task. I try to set small goals for myself (go to church, go to Bible study, go out with this group & meet new people, etc.), but my brain never really lets me get away from the "you MUST make new strong friendships" mentality. And that is hard for me. I consider myself an outgoing person, but at the same time, sometimes so many new people is a little overwhelming, especially when some are much more outgoing than me. "Ms. Friendly" in high school - this should be easy right? 

OKAY ........... breathe.

This is just one of the many new experiences I am going to have here; I have to remember that. This is out of my comfort zone, but that is what I wanted and it's what God has given me. He's not throwing something new and unfamiliar at me only to watch me fail. He is right here with me every step of the way. He is more important than anything else - what other people think of me, grades, family, what other people think of me ... God is bigger.

h

Labor Day

Had a wonderful weekend (well, it was Saturday & the early morning of Sunday!) with the girls at Mary's cabin in Virginia. It was a very relaxing time! I also was able to spend Sunday with Bradley. We went to O'Charley's (Mary calls it that "Viking Food" place) and then hung out & watched Heroes. Twas a grand night! After that I went home and spent the night, which was very strange, the whole having to pack a bag to go home deal. It was weird. And I couldn't sleep in my bed; it was just too .... I don't know. So I took over Allie's bed. :) On Monday we all just kinda hung around the house and laughed. And it was wonderful. One of the most important things I've learned from being at college so far is that there is no laughter like that shared with family. It's truly something different from everything else. 

Once I was back here at the dorm, I kind of had this feeling of peace wash over me. Before starting college I was always worried that it would be weird when I came home, like I would feel like some kind of a visitor. Thankfully, that's not the case. I realize that I can have two homes: here in my world of freedom and dorm life, and the one that I've always had with my family. That is a good feeling, knowing that closeness with my family is still possible even when physical distance is thrown into the mix.

Can't wait to see what happens next!

- h

Good Day

Just got home from spending some well-needed time with the family. It was great! It almost feels strange being at home now though, because it is and isn't home at the same time; that's an odd feeling. But either way, it was just great to be there.

After tomorrow, we've got a long weekend! Heading to Mary's cabin for a bit this weekend and then spending Sunday night at home. I'm really looking forward to it! 

Also, got a haircut today. Every time I seem to get it shorter and shorter and shorter. That's how I like it, and that's how it'll stay!

For tonight,

- h

Surprise Party!!

Just got back from Mary's surprise party for her 19th birthday! It was so much fun; I got to use my acting skills to lure unsuspecting Mary to the basement for the partay =]

When I begin to feel stressed about school and everything, God reminds me of His presence not only through Himself but also through others He has recently placed into my life. My newfound friends mean the world to me (as do my ones back home), and the bonds I am forming here are amazing. Can't wait to see what happens next.

- h

Needed: More Time

I can never settle down. I am always so restless, even when I try to sleep anymore. I'm not sure what's wrong or how to fix it. I haven't gone to God with anything like I should anymore, which is probably a major part of the problem. I'm worried.

- h

Not Enough Time

I just feel like there's not enough time to be a truly successful student and be involved in every single thing on campus. I know I won't be able to attend EVERY little thing on campus, but tonight's Howdy Hoot! And here I sit in my dorm ... by my own choice. Ah, I need wisdom. And about 12 more hours in a day.

- h

70's Dance

Just got back from a 70's-themed dance in the MSAC parking lot. Sounds kinda lame, but it was actually a lot of fun! I left when the line-dancing started ...

Tomorrow is gonna be a pretty full day. I'm gonna do my first batch of laundry with Mary (pray for us!), and then one of my friends won a free facial thing, so some of us are going to get some. After that, I just have some studying to do and at 8 ... IRONMAN! Movies on the lawn! Woohoo!

Well, that's about it for today. College life is running pretty smoothly as of now. 

- h

First Friday!

About to head out for my last day of school this week. Overall, I have liked it. Old Testament has stressed me out a bit (obviously), but I am making it. 

I got to see Bradley yesterday, which was very very nice. We went to Schezuan Garden (woohoo) and then drove around Knoxville a bit. It was a lot of fun; I've really missed him.

More to come later,

- h

Ugh! Note-taking!

If you know me at all, you know I am over-analyzing, nearly incapable-of-summarizing perfectionist. Note-taking from a religion book is not fun! I can't figure out how to condense things, so I end up with 2 1/2 pages on 13 text book pages worth of info. It sucks, and I don't know how to fix it.

- h

First Day

Today was the first day of college, and it turned out being a lot better than I thought it would. Every day I discover more reasons to be thankful for attending a smaller, Christian school. For instance, I walked into my 3rd class today, Honors Old Testament, to have our professor open class with prayer requests and a word of prayer. How awesome!! God continually reassures me that He is right here with me, but it is also comforting to find fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. 

We also had Eagle Strut tonight, a song-and-dance shindig for each hall. Burnett's theme was "First Day at C-N." The songs were "We Go Together" from Grease for the unity of living in a dorm, "Hakunah Matata" (I tried) was for "no worries about your new life and first days in class" ... this is the group I was in, and finally "Joyful, Joyful" from Sister Act. It was a lot of fun, and out of all the residence halls, we won!! 

Carson-Newman is becoming home more and more to me everyday. Though I miss my family and friends, I know this is where God wants me, and so this is where I'll stay.

For now,

- h