I'm about to admit something awful - today I sat around all day and watched television. From the time I woke up (which was at 1, mind you) to the current hour, I've been sitting in front of the television. Worse than that, having nothing to do has left me to my own thoughts. My mind is often a tumultuous place. When I have too much time to think and dwell, it often results in me focusing on something I probably shouldn't be. Today my impatience got the best of me. Sometimes I can't stand the fact that people are married, and I'm not one of them! I know that sounds so silly, but being with the person you want to marry makes it that much harder to see others enjoying married life.

However, I know that God's path for my life is headed down that direction but isn't there yet. With that knowledge, I take peace in knowing that this is where God wants me to be right now. And when I really think about, I am totally and completely not ready for marriage right now. I am in love with Brad and enjoy all of my time with him, but financially and emotionally, I know that I am not mature enough for that yet. My prayer now is that God would help me to see the privileges of an unmarried life and to take full pleasure in those. Sometimes when I see happy newlyweds, I wish I were someone's wife, too, but when it comes down to it, that woman is a SEPARATE person from me. What works for her may not work for me, and their predestined path is unique, as is mine.

Sorry for the rambling. "Idle hands are the devil's playground" ... and in my case, an idle and bored mind. I am praying, and I know my Father will hear that prayer.

Chris & Melissa had their baby today!!!! Well, technically yesterday. December 27 at 3:43(?)pm, Amelia Noelle Hill entered the world. Strange, I've always had a strange fixation on the name Amelia. Too late now! :) I am so happy for them; she is absolutely gorgeous!! She has thick and curly black hair, blue eyes, and is remarkably responsive for a newborn! I was able to go back with the immediate family and be one of the first to hold her. It was amazing. God is so beautiful! His family plan reminds me there is still good in the world, and Chris and Melissa - and Amelia - serve as a wonderful example of that good.

Well Christmas for this year is over, and I am sighing of relief. On a college budget, it's hard to buy for all the people I want to buy for, and I don't like to give minimally. I like for every gift to be personal and unique. This either requires a lot of time to create something original or a good amount of money to find something unique (or a combination of both). I don't ever want to forget what this time of year is about. One of my favorite biblical passages is Mary's prayer. Whenever I meet someone meek and unassuming, I think of Mary. Multiple times in the Bible when trying times come to Mary, it says that she "pondered this all in her heart." I absolutely love that. I sometimes talk without a filter, and this can get you into trouble quick. But Mary, ah Mary, she chose to dwell on the confusing things and go to the Lord first.

Officially done with my first semester of college! And I finished with all A's! I know that's not as big of deal in college as it was in high school; nevertheless, I am very satisfied with that! However, I'm going to have to separate myself from the idea that an A is the only acceptable grade for myself. I define myself too much by my school grades and not enough by the spirit of God within me and my God-given abilities and talents. There is some stuff I just have to let go. I won't be happy if I define myself by some sort of letter grade or number. That is not the life God intended me for!

Tonight I'm in Chattanooga staying with my cousin for a couple of days. Today was her day - her graduation from UTC! I am mucho proud! Okay, not to make it all about me, but being there made me think that my college graduation is not that far off. High school graduation was one thing, because after that it's just 4 more years of school (in a different place with new people ... :) ). Now, though, there's no more classes, tests, walking to school in the rain. It's actually real life. There is so much about "the real world" that I crave ... but the thought of that being my life scares me. I don't know a thing about insurance, cooking ... all that "grown-up" stuff that personifies a productive member of society, good wife, etc. I think about stuff too much, no? I know that God's timing is perfect, and one way that I do know this is through college! This has been a perfect time for me to adjust to living on my own and having a certain amount of responsibilities without being thrust into the real world all at once. Gradual change is best for me, I believe.
And now, I'm gonna go play Guitar Hero. :)

By the way, Brad and his brother Chris are involved in planting a new church in Oak Ridge called The Ridge Church. They meet every Sunday at 6. If you are like me and can't always make it out there, check out http://www.mogulus.com/theridgechurch for a live feed of the message every Sunday at 6. Chris does a chat forum for anyone online, which is fun and is a good way to get involved in the respective subject. I think this is a wonderful place that God is blessing. Please check it out!

I don't write on here nearly enough. My head is too full of ideas to let them bounce around in my brain, so I need some sort of outlet for them. I have picked up journaling again, as a way of visualizing my thoughts and to communicate with God with more focus.
Tomorrow I head home & I absolutely cannot wait. I get to see my man and family on the same day - ah, that is completely wonderful right there. Mary left today so I am all alone in the room tonight - never thought I'd get lonely in a bedroom to myself!
I finished my Christmas shopping on Saturday which served as a big relief because I am totally and completely DONE. I must say, on a college budget that is hard to accomplish. But for my little ball-of-stress self, 'twas necessary.
Old Testament exam at 10:30 tomorrow, and then I am FREE FREE FREE. I feel that I've studied to my best ability and to what I think will be on the exam. After that, it's up to Dr. Ballard to give me my A. :)
I am going to Chattanooga this weekend for family Christmas celebrations and for Ashley's graduation on Sunday. After that, my family is coming home, but I'm staying with Ash until Tuesday. It will be wonderful to catch up with her in her niche.
All for now - I need beauty & mind sleep!

h

Desire

 I recently started Desire (formerly The Journey of Desire) by John Eldredge, and I must say - what a mightily powerful book. His words captivate me with the same passion as Lewis, a nearly forgotten way of writing.

I was especially intrigued by the way desire is talked about in the book. Listen to this:
"We are desire. It is the essence of the human soul, the secret of our existence."

Desire is who we are. I've never seen myself in that light. When I think of the word "desire" I think of a lust which must be snuffed out. But the real soul of the word is not something sinful. We have twisted it into what we want it to be, for do not all sinful desires come from something that is beautiful at its core? (lust comes from sex, coveting from an appreciation of beauty, etc. - I'm taking this from Lewis) But that's not what we've been created for. If our essence is desire, then it must be God's as well. A desire that is so strong we cannot even fathom it - the desire for us to love Him with even an inkling of the ocean of love He has given us.

Later in the book, he goes on to describe the kind of deep, desire-filled connection between a man and wife. For a long time, I've never understood "God is the groom and we, through Jesus, are His bride." While I have not yet experienced the love felt only in marriage, I have started to see more clearly why this "Bridegroom stuff" is sprinkled so frequently throughout the Old and New Testament. The earthly love experienced between a man and a woman is, for some, the highest degree of euphoria this life (in itself) has to offer us. If that is merely earthly, and God compares that kind of ecstatic relationship to His future marriage to us, how much more wonderful it will be when The Bride is finally consummated to The Bridegroom! Peter Kreeft says, "The spiritual intercourse with God is the ecstasy hinted at in all earthly intercourse, physical or spiritual. It is the ultimate reason why passion is so strong, so different from other passions, so heavy with suggestions of profound meanings that just elude our grasp." Wow.

Sometimes the language of the Bible blows me away. In some ways, it's more controversial than any Dan Brown book you pick up. :) Who else but our God would choose to reveal Himself in such a raw, powerful way? Who else but our God can be found even in the most intimate of human relationships? For me, evidence of God is everywhere. His name whispers from the simplest to the most complex of human interactions and emotions. Instead of "waiting" for God to speak, I want to have ears to hear and eyes to see.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
-Mere Christianity